Topic

Two Liverpool wives are talking about their husbands. One says 'mine is never home: he works for Cunard' the other replies ' mine works quite hard as well......'

I tried to get the names right of the staff at our local Chinese restaurant. I asked 'are you Wan Kin the waiter?' He replied 'no sir, I'm Fu Kin the chef.....'

At another restaurant I noticed that the elderly waiter had his thumb in my soup. When I challenged him he said it kept it warm and eased his arthritis. I angrily told him that if he wanted to keep it warm he should stick it in his a - hole. He replied that that's where he kept it when he wasn't serving soup......

A guy was sitting in a gents cubicle at a motorway services when he heard a voice coming from the next cubicle.

‘Hi, how are you doing?’ asked the voice.

Embarrassed at the sudden intrusion of privacy, the guy replied hesitantly: ‘Er . . . yeah . . . I’m OK!’

‘And what are you up to?’ asked the voice from next door.

The guy didn’t really know what to say. ‘Pretty much the same as you, I guess!’

Then the voice said: ‘Look, I’ll call you back. There’s some idiot in the next cubicle answering all the questions I’m asking you!’

Sundance

Some one liners from Tim Vine...

Just sold my Hoover. Well, it was only collecting dust.

Farting in a lift: wrong on many levels.

As is:

Theft from multi-storey car parks.

I saw a busker playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. Very Abba-riginal.

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor doggy a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own!

Sundance

I once hacked the home cctv into my wife's phone. Every time that she used it her image would spam out over the local internet. I suppose you had to be there..

We had a crash this morning involving Little Red Riding Hood who had hit a few trees in a copse. She was not seriously injured but not out of the woods yet.

On a recent train journey to London I found myself sitting next to a kindly old vicar. He was looking puzzled at his crossword. I asked if I could help. "Bless you my son, I'm struggling with this one: essentially female, often with friendly lips to kiss, ends with U N T"

I replied that the answer was 'Aunt'

"Of course" he replied. "I don't suppose you have a rubber?"

How do you circumcise a whale?

Answer - send down four skin divers.....

Sundance

There are two guys and a lady in a train compartment. The guys are having a discussion... One says "I reckon it's wooooomb". The other says "nah, it's wooooooooomb".

The lady says "guys, I'm a midwife and I can assure you that it's spelt 'womb'.

One of the guys replies " ma'am we're zookeepers, and we doubt if you've heard the sound an elephant makes when it farts......

I had a chance of being the lead singer in an Animals tribute band.

I turned it down because I didn't want to be a Burdon.

Sorry for the theme of these.

Q..How does moses make is coffee?
A..Hebrews it.