Topic

2 men walk into a bar......
you would of thought the first man would of seen it.............

Last year I bought my wife a fridge, you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

A mate at work asked me what I was getting the wife for xmas. I said I never know, until she opens it. I always leave that to the kids.

I said to him, "What would you get for the woman that has everything?"

He said "Penicillin."

Anyway, a very merry christmas to you all. Have a good 'un and take care out there.

Snow White gets followed home by the 7 dwarfs and goes straight to her bedroom to get changed. There is a glass panel above the door and the dwarfs have worked it out that if they stand on each others shoulders the top one can see thru. Dopey is on top and passes messages down the line . ' TAKING HER TOP OFF, TAKING HER TOP OFF"......TAKING HER SHIRT OFF, TAKING HER SKIRT OFF .....TAKING HER BRA OFF, TAKING HER BRA OFF......this continues until Dopey spots someone coming up the stairs and shouts out to warn the others " SOMEONE'S COMING " ........'AND ME".... ".AND ME"........."AND ME'.........".AND ME"'.....'.AND ME"........"AND ME"" ........!

2 canibals were eating a clown for supper.
one canibal said.....this tastes funny.

If an assassin took a shot at Donald Trump would his bodyguards shout Donald Duck !!

Anagrams
Mel Gibson—Big melons
Gloria Estefan—Large fat noise
Martina Navratilova—Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini—Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome—O my terrible drains below
Evangelist—Evil’s Agent
Desperation—A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code—Here Come Dots
Mother-in-law—Woman Hitler

Sundance

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked,
puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”
He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears,
sobbing his little heart out.
“What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.
“Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler.
Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there
absolutely naked, just as his son had said.
“You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re
running around naked scaring Johnny!”

Sundance

Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip!!

Sundance

A man away on business for a week checks into a hotel
On day 1 morning there's a knock at the door and a maid comes in with his breakfast tea, pulls the covers back and gives him a nosh*.
Next day it happens again and also happens for the remainder of his stay, every morning the maid brings his tea and gives him a nosh.
When he checks out he says to the receptionist how much he's enjoyed his stay, especially the morning nosh.

The receptionist says that it's hotel policy that every room has a goblin teasmaid.





*nosh=BJ.

A cement mixer colided with a prison van on the m25..

Police are asking motorists to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.