Topic

Why did the chicken cross the road softly?

'cos it couldn' walk 'hardly.

Best said with a Liverpudlian accent.

COMMANDER wrote: wrote:

Best said with a Liverpudlian accent.

I can't do a scouse accent. So I did it in a welsh accent isn't it. You see those two houses over by there boyo? Well, I live in the middle one see. There's lovely now.


When I was a boy at school my teacher said "Homework today is a poem. A poem that ends in Timbuctoo".

Next day she asked to my classmate 'Sally' to read hers.

Sally said;-

"The sky was bright.
The sea was blue.
The grass was green
in Timbuctoo"

Teacher said "Well done Sally. Your turn now Leigh.."

I read my poem out..

"Me and Tim went down to kent
We saw three girls in a tent
It started to rain, we had nothing to do..
So I buct one and Timbuctoo.

Homework today, is a sentence that contains the word contagious.

Sally - "My uncle caught weils disease from a rat. Don't worry though, it's not contagious."

Leigh -"Don't ask Psymon to post you anything. It takes the contagious!"

Two men leave a pub absolutely pie eyed when one of them picks up what seems to be a picture frame. He stares and scratches his head and says hey I'm sure I know the bloke in this picture but I just can't place him. The other guy says give it here and I'll have a look , he stares at it for a while and shouts out you daft bugger it's me.


Steve

2 convicts escaped from a local jail................
there described as one is 7ft tall and the other is 3ft-2inches tall............

The police say we are hunting high and low for them.

Is there a future in time travel?

What shape does a pear go when it goes wrong?

The police were called out to a breakin at a warehouse...............

The thieves had got away and had stolen 4 barrels of syrup of figs........

police say they are looking for four men on the run..



A doctor doing his rounds on a ward,,,pulls back the curtains and said to the nurse....good lord this patient looks like hes got one foot in the grate...

The nurse replied...dont you mean one foot in the grave..

no the doctor replied...one foot in the grate....this patient wants to be cremated..

A truck was travelling up the A1 carrying a load full of wigs when it Jack knives, the police are now combing the area for evidence.
Boom boom

Steve

Q....Why did robin hood only rob the rich?

A...Because the poor dindnt have anything to steal!...............


3 guys were in a clinic being checked out for dementia...they were asked questions to prove there state of mind.....
The doctor asked the first man what is 2+2?..the reply was wednesday
Then the 2nd man was asked..what is 2+2?....he replied 189
The 3rd man was then asked...what is 2+2?.....he replied 4
fantastic the doctor said to the 3rd man...how did you work it out?

The 3rd man replied easy i just deducted wednesday from 189 and it gave me 4...

"Southend man asks tattooist for ‘that guy from The Jam’ and it all goes horribly wrong"

A man walks up to a sled dog owner who has a black dog....why do you call your dog frost?
......."because frost bites he replied"

Q......What did the vet say to the musher who brought in a sled dog with caribou steak on its head,seal meat stuffed up its nose and lemmings in its ears?
A..."..your dogs not eating right"

A man walks into a pub.....there is a dog sitting on the bar..
the man asks the bartender...is your dog friendly ?
The bartender replied..yes hes soft has a brush !
The man strokes the dog and gets bitten nearly ripping his arm off
The man shouted to the bartender...i thought you said your bloody dog was friendly?
That aint my dog he replied.......

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